From September, 1994, to May, 2004, a very popular, award-winning television sitcom aired on NBC called “FRIENDS.” It was about six friends in their early 20s and 30s who lived in Manhattan and it followed the ups and downs of their daily lives.. It explored questions of sex, love, careers and relationships at a time in life when everything seems possible and your friends become your family. 

     The show was light and funny and it made stars out of Jennifer Aniston, Matt LeBlanc, and Matthew Perry, among others, but there were also poignant moments with important messages. Beyond the show’s decade-long popularity, it was also critically acclaimed. As an expert in pop culture from the University of Buffalo wrote, “Friends is one of those rare shows that marked a change in American culture.” The images of young people and the lifestyle they depict centers around creating and sustaining relationships between friends running their own lives and relying on help from each other. (Wikipedia article, “Friends”)

     Hmmmmm…. Sounds like my life, my whole life, as an only child with a single mother and only a couple relatives even living in the same part of the country. My earliest friends were made before I started first grade and, one of them, who was later the maid of honor at my wedding, is still my friend. Our mothers were friends, our grandmothers were friends, and we actually played together in a playpen as toddlers. We still talk regularly even though our lives have taken remarkably divergent paths over seven decades.

     My larger group of childhood friends continued to be made throughout elementary and high school and yes, except for one of my earliest, closest friends from first grade who has since died, we have all stayed in touch regularly too. (Actually, we  now see each other more often since I have retired back in Texas.) Next are my college friends, all made in my freshman year and three of whom have remained consistently close to me all these years, (again, except for one who recently died). On and on it goes, from those special friends made during my early-married years, to those found in the various places in the country that we lived, to those developed  among colleagues and cohorts in my adult and professional life.

     Believe it or not, though most of these people do not live near me, haven’t for years in most cases, I’ve managed to sustain a relationship with many of them over time and distance and in spite of vast differences in backgrounds and lifestyles. Of course, not all these are intimate friends, if they ever were, but many are a great deal more than simply names on a Christmas card list. We stay in touch, we call or write occasionally, we visit when one of us is in the other’s “neighborhood,” and we show up, at least emotionally, when needed.

     I get amused when the author of a book or an expert on the art of friendship touts a relationship of 20 or 25 years’ duration as being so exceptional. Are you kidding? I’m talking friends of 70 plus years and counting all the way down to my “newest friends” made in retirement of only 17 years. If it sounds as though I’m boasting, well, I am. As the saying goes, you can’t choose your relatives, but you can choose your friends, and for the most part, I think I have chosen wisely. 

     From the very beginning, my friends were cultivated because they were important people in my life. Whether they were classmates or work colleagues, teachers or mentors, neighbors or common community members, I chose them because they inspired me to grow and learn and I trusted them to help me be my better self. (Now that I think about it, that is exactly the reason I married my husband 55 years ago!) As a line in the lyrics from the Friends theme song states, “…even at my worst, I’m best with you.” (I’ll Be There for You,” recorded by the Rembrandts, 1995) I should add to that sentiment: “Even at my worst, you will forgive me and accept me for who I am.”

     It takes work and attention to sustain any relationship, never mind a close one, but I have always considered the effort worthwhile and am proud of the diverse “cadre of compadres” I know and love. Of course, people change and can grow apart, sometimes seriously, and  unfortunately I have lost two or three once-good friends along the way. Sadder still are the greater number of good friends I have lost to mortality, many at younger ages years ago from totally unexpected causes. I miss them all, even those who disappointed me at some point, but I remember them and am still grateful that they were part of my life.

     There is an old Spanish saying going back to the 16th – 17th century: “Muéstrame quiénes son tus amigos y te diré quiénes eras.”  Show me who your friends are and I’ll show you who you are. I have always loved this saying and used to often quote it to my students. So I say go ahead. Look at my friends. I will be proud of the comparison you make and it will be true.